Conflicting feelings for Mother's Day

As many of the ppl will know before they have read this, I have had two children.

This mother's day, I am finding myself torn and very emotional.

I'm torn between grieving, celebrating and possible guilt. I am an emotional wreck, and I'm so used to hiding it. I find it difficult to express how and what I am feeling.

I'm still to this day grieving the loss of our first born. I still miss her so. And having Ranger brings it out even more. I find myself looking at him, missing her. Wondering what she would have looked like, her personality and how she would have been as a big sis. I can't get to a point of peace. I still cry for her.
I've spent the past three years as a shut in on this day. Last year Pawan had to suggest for us to go out to eat. Otherwise I would have just went to the cemetery only.

I know its not right to grieve one on a day of celebration. Especially since now I have a healthy living son. I should celebrate being a mother for him. It's not fair to him to have his mother sad on a holiday.

But I feel like I would feel guilty to celebrate or to grieve. It's not right to either child. Just like I feel wrong when someone asks is Ranger our only child. If I say no, then I have to explain. And then ppl give me the pity look. Then its ackward. If I say yes, then I feel wrong and guilty. Because I feel like I just denied my daughter. Like I'm ignoring her existence.

This year has been so hard. Trying to celebrate Ranger but still missing Devi. It's been three years and it still hurts like yesterday. Peace don't come. You just get a lil bit better at hiding your feelings.

The only place I can express myself is my blogs. I had to step away from YouTube though. I had three ppl doing some severe trolling on my grieving/memorial videos. I've gotten to where I don't log into that channel except every few weeks, due to Kate. I really only do vids lately for review on another channel.

I think I partially suffer from survivor's guilt. I still feel like it should have been me to go , not her. I even begged God to take me not her.

Thank you for reading my torn thoughts. For all of the Mothers out there, rather angel mommies or rainbow mommies or just regular blessed mommies. Have a Happy Mother's Day.

Our Rainbow, Ranger

It's been a while since I have posted on here. My Social life online took the back burner after his birth. He was born on July 12, 2014. A healthy 6 lbs and 5 oz. He is now six months old. And so full of energy. He favored his sister at birth but now looks very little like her. After I loss Devi, i was heartbroken as would be expected. I was very worried when I became pregnant with him. I made sure to try to do all the right things and make every apt both for the ob and high risk specialist.
After he was born I had a hard time. I found myself crying at night, remembering her and he looked a lot like her. As he got older, his looks started to change.I still find myself wondering the what ifs and how woulds. But I guess that is to be expected.I tend to hide my tears so not to upset my husband or son. So they come at night time and shower time. I've been facing trolls for the past two months on YouTube. I've had about five reg. Hate to say it but their hateful comments do hurt. I don't reply them on their any more. I had to keep reporting one woman who was so hateful, she has been blocked from my channel or she gave up one or the other.But I guess to each their own. Pawan finally got his green card and has been working for three months now. All the while I'm doing the stay at home mom bit. But need to apply for disability with the way my back is.
Our son is full of energy and very active.He's in the 98% for height. He loves cartoon movies and his jump-a-roo. He hasn't mastered crawling yet. He has the back part but wants to suck on his hands whilr trying to crawl. He loves to laugh at his silly mommy, who started making faces at him to hide the tears and he loved it. So I continue to do them for his responses.He is a momma's boy. Well that's a start of my update. He is starting to get fussy now. Bye for now.