Conflicting feelings for Mother's Day

As many of the ppl will know before they have read this, I have had two children.

This mother's day, I am finding myself torn and very emotional.

I'm torn between grieving, celebrating and possible guilt. I am an emotional wreck, and I'm so used to hiding it. I find it difficult to express how and what I am feeling.

I'm still to this day grieving the loss of our first born. I still miss her so. And having Ranger brings it out even more. I find myself looking at him, missing her. Wondering what she would have looked like, her personality and how she would have been as a big sis. I can't get to a point of peace. I still cry for her.
I've spent the past three years as a shut in on this day. Last year Pawan had to suggest for us to go out to eat. Otherwise I would have just went to the cemetery only.

I know its not right to grieve one on a day of celebration. Especially since now I have a healthy living son. I should celebrate being a mother for him. It's not fair to him to have his mother sad on a holiday.

But I feel like I would feel guilty to celebrate or to grieve. It's not right to either child. Just like I feel wrong when someone asks is Ranger our only child. If I say no, then I have to explain. And then ppl give me the pity look. Then its ackward. If I say yes, then I feel wrong and guilty. Because I feel like I just denied my daughter. Like I'm ignoring her existence.

This year has been so hard. Trying to celebrate Ranger but still missing Devi. It's been three years and it still hurts like yesterday. Peace don't come. You just get a lil bit better at hiding your feelings.

The only place I can express myself is my blogs. I had to step away from YouTube though. I had three ppl doing some severe trolling on my grieving/memorial videos. I've gotten to where I don't log into that channel except every few weeks, due to Kate. I really only do vids lately for review on another channel.

I think I partially suffer from survivor's guilt. I still feel like it should have been me to go , not her. I even begged God to take me not her.

Thank you for reading my torn thoughts. For all of the Mothers out there, rather angel mommies or rainbow mommies or just regular blessed mommies. Have a Happy Mother's Day.

Our Rainbow, Ranger

It's been a while since I have posted on here. My Social life online took the back burner after his birth. He was born on July 12, 2014. A healthy 6 lbs and 5 oz. He is now six months old. And so full of energy. He favored his sister at birth but now looks very little like her. After I loss Devi, i was heartbroken as would be expected. I was very worried when I became pregnant with him. I made sure to try to do all the right things and make every apt both for the ob and high risk specialist.
After he was born I had a hard time. I found myself crying at night, remembering her and he looked a lot like her. As he got older, his looks started to change.I still find myself wondering the what ifs and how woulds. But I guess that is to be expected.I tend to hide my tears so not to upset my husband or son. So they come at night time and shower time. I've been facing trolls for the past two months on YouTube. I've had about five reg. Hate to say it but their hateful comments do hurt. I don't reply them on their any more. I had to keep reporting one woman who was so hateful, she has been blocked from my channel or she gave up one or the other.But I guess to each their own. Pawan finally got his green card and has been working for three months now. All the while I'm doing the stay at home mom bit. But need to apply for disability with the way my back is.
Our son is full of energy and very active.He's in the 98% for height. He loves cartoon movies and his jump-a-roo. He hasn't mastered crawling yet. He has the back part but wants to suck on his hands whilr trying to crawl. He loves to laugh at his silly mommy, who started making faces at him to hide the tears and he loved it. So I continue to do them for his responses.He is a momma's boy. Well that's a start of my update. He is starting to get fussy now. Bye for now.

My Life Turned Up-side Down!!

I know it's been a while to say the least since I last blogged. No I didn't drop off the face of the Earth though it seems like I did.I even put off my Youtube channel for a year.I basically took a break from all social media except Facebook.The reason at first was time with my husband.
He got here last Sept. and we needed some time together. After all we were apart 2 years and 4 months. Plus on top of that I wanted to show him different places and experiences. So that was the first two months. I made videos but just posted them to Facebook.
Then in late Nov we found out we were pregnant again. For those who don't know our story, we had a daughter on Feb 02,2012 who I named Devi. She passed 17 days after birth due to a bad heart.
On Dec 11,2013 we became legally married here in the US. We filed his paperwork shortly after to change his status.It took till just about a week ago for him to get that. The main reason for delays everywhere we were told by several immigration lawyers, was they took manpower off of the ones who came here legally and put them on deporting those who came here illegally. I kept check of it online every week,but they would say the same thing online and when I called. Saying they had till the end of August to complete it.
My main focus was on the baby of course.After loosing Devi, I had to make sure this baby was ok. The bad thing is in December my health deteriorated. When I had Devi they forced me into a c-section. Which later on it showed to have messed my upper back up, where they did the spinal tap.It was a rough c-section, I was strapped down to the table.The reason for that history is to explain the problem that came up this time.from her birth til November of 2013, I didn't see my chiropractor like I should have. When you have a c-section obviously the cut across your lower belly. Well as the cut flesh and tissues. They also cut nerves. Well my nerves didn't heal right and I didn't see my chiropractor who could help to make adjustment to work them to almost be back normal. Be it that, my sciatica nerve was pinched 90% of my pregnancy. So much that I had to go on long term disability. I couldn't walk hardly at all. I couldn't drive no more than 30 min at a time without being in severe pain. My three doctors had me on prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers. I got so bad I had to have Pawan to help me even go to the bathroom.It was so embarrassing that I had to use the electronic carts at the stores. If there wasn't one I couldn't even shop. I was covered on long term disability till I gave birth be it I couldn't sit nor stand for more than 30 min at the max. In the meantime my job that I had work for over four years, fired me in May. They told the unemployment office that I had voluntary quit. They say that or suspended until further notice to get out of unemployment pay. After having the hearing it was decided in my favor. But I can't collect til I am medically released back to work.
On July 12,2012 at 4:45 am my water broke.I had been having braxton hicks contractions for days but wasn't even dilating.9:30 am just dilated a fingertip.The ob said that my cervix basically sucked. It was very think and barely in-faced. And it was sitting way high behind the placenta. She said if I wanted to do a VBAC I could try till four pm. But we decided to go a head with a gentle c- section. At 12:04 pm on July 12, 2014 we welcomed our son Ranger Ernest Ram into the world. He was healthy and perfect. He weighed 6 lbs and 5 oz and was 19 inches long.In one months time he got to weigh 9 lbs 8 oz and grew to 21 3/4 inches long.
Now you are all caught up lol. I'm going to be working on other blogs as well. I already have a weight loss one which I will be starting back up and I will start a baby/mommy blog here in a few days.Maybe a few blogs on Rainbow babies and dealing. A lot of us with rainbow babies have been talking about this lately.

A waiting game

Seems right now our life is all about waiting.
I'm waiting for the birth of our son. And so I can get about as physically normal as I can. Right now I'm out on long term disability. With this pregnancy I have had so many complications. So much trouble with my back. I hate it. I can't do anything. I can't sit or stand too long without being in lots of pain. I can't even drive more than 30 min away from the house or I have severe back spasms. If I'm not up all night in pain then our son is kicking the mess out of me.
We are going back and forth between three dr. The reg ob, the high risk specialist, and chiropractor.  The gp dr is as needed so far that has been four times this pregnancy. Every thing seems to be ok. Except this tooth that keeps getting infected. I need to remove it, but medicaid won't cover it.  But it's a waiting game till we get the money to do so.  As far as the baby goes he appears to be completely healthy. Weighs about 3lbs so he is in the 52% weight. Which is all good. Especially considering I've only gained about 5lbs.
We are also still waiting on Pawan work papers and green card. He has already done the biometrics. We did receive a letter saying it could take up to six months. It's been more than a month since the letter. I'm just going and praying he gets his papers soon. My disability runs out once our son is born. Pawan wants to work so much, but can't yet.
We are still waiting on our taxes to come back. Luckily we were able to claim him. That money is what we are going to use to float us until either one he gets his papers or two I can return to work. More than likely I will have to have a csection again. So I will be unable to return to work for a few weeks. My job has let me go but can't officially say that as of yet. They did leave me a voice mail starting that my Fmla had ran out and that the days I am now missing are counting against my occurrences.  They are trying to get me to come in and voluntary quit. Not going to happen, coz I would loose my disability. All about waiting. At the end of this month we are going to try to move. Right now we are in a tiny tiny studio. I would like us to get into a new place and settled before our son is born. Hopefully everything will come together soon. Before July 17th I hope.

The fear durring a second pregnancy after losing a nb before

I knew after I lost Devi getting pregnant again was going to be emotionally hard. And it is. I worry all the time.  I worry so much about what I eat, what I put in my body. Is he healthy? What I can do different this time. It's a never ending worry.
I still grieve her still. I miss her so. But I can't get too upset while carrying him too. She would have been two. The worst was her birthday and her death day.
For my right now is so hard. Im not able to work this time around coz of sciatic nerve problem. Which working was a huge distraction for me.
I am four months and three weeks with him. I had kept all of her stuff in hopes of having another lil girl. So now I have to sell her stuff to get his stuff. I find myself trying to fight the tears while doing this but I have to do it.
But the hardest part is going in the stores. It wouldn't be so bad if the nb boys stuff was away from the girls. Seeing the lil dresses and thinking she would be wearing that now.
For now I cling to a bunny I had made her on her second surgery. Its all I can do. That and pray our son is healthy. So far  he appears to be. All I can do is pray and hope.

The big deal with a name....

I'm now pregnant for the second time. We have a son due in July, ugh!
  The name, omg have I never seen as much drama as what we had to deal with from my family. With our daughter we used the great grandmother names. One for fusion of cultures and two it's the easiest way to go. With our daughter we did Devi Vella. Devi was both of his grandmother's middle names. Indian ppl know it and at worse the American ppl would say Debbie, close enough. Vella was my grandma first name. Both names sounded nice together. With our son we did the same but a lil different. Everyone on the Gentry side has used Grandpa Gentry's name to death. So I stuck with my mom's side. Now I choose to go out on a limb and honor both my grandpa and great grandpa. (Didn't do that with Devi for one reason, my great grandma's name was Dorrie, his nephew was born 2weeks before I went to India was named Dori). The name we chose is Ranger Ernest Ram Naugain. Ranger is the name everyone had a prob with. Now before you think its the older ppl in my grandpa family your wrong. The older ppl love it. They see it as a tribute. Its the youngest cousin and my uncle. I was told it was a waste of a good name. Racism is still alive. I've been told I was disowned long time ago but now they are acting on it. In a time when a baby should bring a family together ut tears mine apart. My sister's problem with it us she wants to use Ranger as a middle name. But she just got married and no telling when she will have babies.
I finally had to put my foot down on this. After all my baby I should get to choose whatever name I want as long as Pawan is ok with it. U swear my life ought to be a soap opera.

Just an update

Well a lot had changed in the past few months. We got married Dec 11,2013 as per US law. We ended up with an unexpected surprise. I got pregnant not even two months after he got here. I'm due July 22,2014 with our second  child this time a son. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster but I'll cover that in another blog. Had a huge fight with my family on fb over me naming our son after his great grand father. The racism came out. Ive been out on fmla due to medical problems with this pregnancy. So we are yet in another test in our relationship. My short term disability should have kicked in a month ago, but prudential keeps wanting more and more proof. I hurt so bad at times Pawan has to do everything for me. Enough about me. Well Pawan has lost faith in his own people in the US. He came across a lot of bad ones, business owners mainly. It's so bad he wouldn't even let me listen to fun asia radio or watch my Bollywood movies. He's come to the thinking of never wanting to work for an Indian business ever. Pawan has fallen in love with bbq pulled pork. He can't seem to get enough of it. He's gotten away from eating his Indian food. Now it gives him terrible heartburn. I think I'm to blame on that one. I was raised not eating much spice because of my mom's food allergies. I can eat only a few items. On his papers we sent in everything but there is a hold up. See the funny thing us I made enough as one person to pull hin over here, but not enough for two people to keep him here. So they told me that we have to get him a co-sponsor. By my groups I'm in some of the other girls did too or knew someone who had to do the same. We have to march 23 to get the co-sponsor. My parents are doing it, but my dad is slow at doing things, he does things in his sweet owb time. So I fibbed to them to get him to hurry up. I hope it works. I love my parents to death. They have been helping us financially lil by lil. Other than that I've been selling everything I possibly can. Its been hard. But its just my luck. I know things will turn around, I just have to wait out the storm. God wouldn't give me something more than what I can handle. I've been slowly trying to get back on social media, i.e. youtube, blogger, instagram and am shock at some of the things I'm finding. For instance my YouTube has blown up. One video about 23k views. It was Devi's video. I posted it at the time for Pawan and his family. Im overwhelm with the support it has gotten. I know this blog has gotten long lol. So until next time