The fear durring a second pregnancy after losing a nb before

I knew after I lost Devi getting pregnant again was going to be emotionally hard. And it is. I worry all the time.  I worry so much about what I eat, what I put in my body. Is he healthy? What I can do different this time. It's a never ending worry.
I still grieve her still. I miss her so. But I can't get too upset while carrying him too. She would have been two. The worst was her birthday and her death day.
For my right now is so hard. Im not able to work this time around coz of sciatic nerve problem. Which working was a huge distraction for me.
I am four months and three weeks with him. I had kept all of her stuff in hopes of having another lil girl. So now I have to sell her stuff to get his stuff. I find myself trying to fight the tears while doing this but I have to do it.
But the hardest part is going in the stores. It wouldn't be so bad if the nb boys stuff was away from the girls. Seeing the lil dresses and thinking she would be wearing that now.
For now I cling to a bunny I had made her on her second surgery. Its all I can do. That and pray our son is healthy. So far  he appears to be. All I can do is pray and hope.

The big deal with a name....

I'm now pregnant for the second time. We have a son due in July, ugh!
  The name, omg have I never seen as much drama as what we had to deal with from my family. With our daughter we used the great grandmother names. One for fusion of cultures and two it's the easiest way to go. With our daughter we did Devi Vella. Devi was both of his grandmother's middle names. Indian ppl know it and at worse the American ppl would say Debbie, close enough. Vella was my grandma first name. Both names sounded nice together. With our son we did the same but a lil different. Everyone on the Gentry side has used Grandpa Gentry's name to death. So I stuck with my mom's side. Now I choose to go out on a limb and honor both my grandpa and great grandpa. (Didn't do that with Devi for one reason, my great grandma's name was Dorrie, his nephew was born 2weeks before I went to India was named Dori). The name we chose is Ranger Ernest Ram Naugain. Ranger is the name everyone had a prob with. Now before you think its the older ppl in my grandpa family your wrong. The older ppl love it. They see it as a tribute. Its the youngest cousin and my uncle. I was told it was a waste of a good name. Racism is still alive. I've been told I was disowned long time ago but now they are acting on it. In a time when a baby should bring a family together ut tears mine apart. My sister's problem with it us she wants to use Ranger as a middle name. But she just got married and no telling when she will have babies.
I finally had to put my foot down on this. After all my baby I should get to choose whatever name I want as long as Pawan is ok with it. U swear my life ought to be a soap opera.

Just an update

Well a lot had changed in the past few months. We got married Dec 11,2013 as per US law. We ended up with an unexpected surprise. I got pregnant not even two months after he got here. I'm due July 22,2014 with our second  child this time a son. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster but I'll cover that in another blog. Had a huge fight with my family on fb over me naming our son after his great grand father. The racism came out. Ive been out on fmla due to medical problems with this pregnancy. So we are yet in another test in our relationship. My short term disability should have kicked in a month ago, but prudential keeps wanting more and more proof. I hurt so bad at times Pawan has to do everything for me. Enough about me. Well Pawan has lost faith in his own people in the US. He came across a lot of bad ones, business owners mainly. It's so bad he wouldn't even let me listen to fun asia radio or watch my Bollywood movies. He's come to the thinking of never wanting to work for an Indian business ever. Pawan has fallen in love with bbq pulled pork. He can't seem to get enough of it. He's gotten away from eating his Indian food. Now it gives him terrible heartburn. I think I'm to blame on that one. I was raised not eating much spice because of my mom's food allergies. I can eat only a few items. On his papers we sent in everything but there is a hold up. See the funny thing us I made enough as one person to pull hin over here, but not enough for two people to keep him here. So they told me that we have to get him a co-sponsor. By my groups I'm in some of the other girls did too or knew someone who had to do the same. We have to march 23 to get the co-sponsor. My parents are doing it, but my dad is slow at doing things, he does things in his sweet owb time. So I fibbed to them to get him to hurry up. I hope it works. I love my parents to death. They have been helping us financially lil by lil. Other than that I've been selling everything I possibly can. Its been hard. But its just my luck. I know things will turn around, I just have to wait out the storm. God wouldn't give me something more than what I can handle. I've been slowly trying to get back on social media, i.e. youtube, blogger, instagram and am shock at some of the things I'm finding. For instance my YouTube has blown up. One video about 23k views. It was Devi's video. I posted it at the time for Pawan and his family. Im overwhelm with the support it has gotten. I know this blog has gotten long lol. So until next time