As many of the ppl will know before they have read this, I have had two children.
This mother's day, I am finding myself torn and very emotional.
I'm torn between grieving, celebrating and possible guilt. I am an emotional wreck, and I'm so used to hiding it. I find it difficult to express how and what I am feeling.
I'm still to this day grieving the loss of our first born. I still miss her so. And having Ranger brings it out even more. I find myself looking at him, missing her. Wondering what she would have looked like, her personality and how she would have been as a big sis. I can't get to a point of peace. I still cry for her.
I've spent the past three years as a shut in on this day. Last year Pawan had to suggest for us to go out to eat. Otherwise I would have just went to the cemetery only.
I know its not right to grieve one on a day of celebration. Especially since now I have a healthy living son. I should celebrate being a mother for him. It's not fair to him to have his mother sad on a holiday.
But I feel like I would feel guilty to celebrate or to grieve. It's not right to either child. Just like I feel wrong when someone asks is Ranger our only child. If I say no, then I have to explain. And then ppl give me the pity look. Then its ackward. If I say yes, then I feel wrong and guilty. Because I feel like I just denied my daughter. Like I'm ignoring her existence.
This year has been so hard. Trying to celebrate Ranger but still missing Devi. It's been three years and it still hurts like yesterday. Peace don't come. You just get a lil bit better at hiding your feelings.
The only place I can express myself is my blogs. I had to step away from YouTube though. I had three ppl doing some severe trolling on my grieving/memorial videos. I've gotten to where I don't log into that channel except every few weeks, due to Kate. I really only do vids lately for review on another channel.
I think I partially suffer from survivor's guilt. I still feel like it should have been me to go , not her. I even begged God to take me not her.
Thank you for reading my torn thoughts. For all of the Mothers out there, rather angel mommies or rainbow mommies or just regular blessed mommies. Have a Happy Mother's Day.
This mother's day, I am finding myself torn and very emotional.
I'm torn between grieving, celebrating and possible guilt. I am an emotional wreck, and I'm so used to hiding it. I find it difficult to express how and what I am feeling.
I'm still to this day grieving the loss of our first born. I still miss her so. And having Ranger brings it out even more. I find myself looking at him, missing her. Wondering what she would have looked like, her personality and how she would have been as a big sis. I can't get to a point of peace. I still cry for her.
I've spent the past three years as a shut in on this day. Last year Pawan had to suggest for us to go out to eat. Otherwise I would have just went to the cemetery only.
I know its not right to grieve one on a day of celebration. Especially since now I have a healthy living son. I should celebrate being a mother for him. It's not fair to him to have his mother sad on a holiday.
But I feel like I would feel guilty to celebrate or to grieve. It's not right to either child. Just like I feel wrong when someone asks is Ranger our only child. If I say no, then I have to explain. And then ppl give me the pity look. Then its ackward. If I say yes, then I feel wrong and guilty. Because I feel like I just denied my daughter. Like I'm ignoring her existence.
This year has been so hard. Trying to celebrate Ranger but still missing Devi. It's been three years and it still hurts like yesterday. Peace don't come. You just get a lil bit better at hiding your feelings.
The only place I can express myself is my blogs. I had to step away from YouTube though. I had three ppl doing some severe trolling on my grieving/memorial videos. I've gotten to where I don't log into that channel except every few weeks, due to Kate. I really only do vids lately for review on another channel.
I think I partially suffer from survivor's guilt. I still feel like it should have been me to go , not her. I even begged God to take me not her.
Thank you for reading my torn thoughts. For all of the Mothers out there, rather angel mommies or rainbow mommies or just regular blessed mommies. Have a Happy Mother's Day.
May the Lord bless you and Sry you lost a little one but God granted it back be thankful you are truly blessed with a Angel of God may he walk in you're footsteps and be like you all you can do now is pray and the angels watch over you may God bless you and everything you do
ReplyDeleteHugs to you all...take good care of yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel inside. I know there's really no encouraging words to help that but try to just take delight in knowing you're now blessed with a baby who can give you all the joy and happiness you need.
ReplyDelete